i feel like im falling apart. its like late at night im lying in bed and all sorts of thoughts run through my head. i start thinking of people. like i always do. and then i'll just start crumbling as i take each brick out to examine if its been chipped off or faded or damp and all the while knowing im doing damage to this wall of defence ive built around me. its not like something i want to do. to be this insecure. i wish i wasnt but ive got nothing to fall back on to keep me going besides God. though some would probably say thats more than enough.

 

its when everyone starts running through my head again. people like tong, whom i missed so much and he still haunts me, people like my church frens, some of them, my classmates, people from my past. id take them out and examine how much of me is still given to them. then i find that ive nothign left. as ive given everyone a little piece of me and now they're all scattered. like eng siang, whom i was crying over, like yuru how you gave me the best times, like dalun and all the crazy stuff we went through and many more people like that like ching how you affected my mood when you're arnd. id think of so many people, so many events and id start crying cos it eats me from inside.

 

i know i should be studying and all that crap about getting into a good school and make it worth my while. but i cant just give up my heart and soul like that. i cant be like alina cos i leave pieces of me everywhere and it'd kill me to retrieve them back again its so gone away but yet links me to so many people. i guess thats why im easily disappointed in those whom ive put so much trust and faith in. and then i'd hide in my shell to protect myself but id almost always end up getting hurt and feeling all that pain manifold.

 

and i seek for someone to understand and piece me back together but all the scars will remain. im trying to find myself beneath all that rubble and junk thats been around for years when you take them out again you can throw them away and suddenly you just feel so scared cos they're no longer precious to you.

 

im insecure. yes i know. both gab and i will know. its the insecure people who puts up a defensive/ofensive attitude and they are seen to be witty and sharp on others thats cos they have nothing for themselves. either that or its a very cheerful, easy going even frivolous attitude that masks all the troubles and thoughts. thats why people say im so wild. or so paikia.i dont want to conform. its nice to be like jol or edna. esp ed. they are so carefree and without worries. i think im conditioned to be like that cos of my background and the school. every one is competitive. everyone is very wary of each other. we dont trust out of pragmaticism.

 

i wouldnt be able to give that up now that im so deep in i can only pray that it would erode me at a slower pace. all that about being a good christian and all is left outside the gates of the school where everything is in such grey areas you arent even sure about yourself. where people do crazy and scary stuff. where christians more often than not do not behave like christians. they that do are shunned. seen to be weird/ conservative. God i dont ever wanna be like another of the typical bitching backstabber but as i say that i realise ive fallen into that age old trap of the infallible fallacy. its such a rough world out there. where people do one thing and mean another.

 

why am i as alvin says so rebellious? i dont know honestly. i din start out that way. but you dont know restrain unless youve been tightly controlled and thats whats suffocating me. id rather find things out for myself. yes you say that's foolish cos id get hurt and bruised and scarred. but these are what will make up ME. as opposed to an empty shell that you cast out of a mould. you realli think protecting me is the best solution? i believe in roughing it out for myself, to know, learn and understand cos ultimately ive got to fend for myself.

 

and yet i still get upset over silly little things like figuring out our hip hop dance moves and stuff like that. pt that into perspective its NOT GONNA AFFECT ANYONE a year from now cos no one wil remember how i screw it up and such. im so embittered. thats why. its gathered from years of experience. with betrayal and such. thus i gotta learn how to pick my fights. and win it.